Unwind..

Welcome to my goal or vision if you will.
Imagine if you can walking up a small path to a purple door with the sign above it called”Unwind”
When entering your greeted with comfy chairs with brightly colored pillows, small round tables with a small modest bar, just someplace where you can go to relax catch up on some social networking, or paperwork that needs some attention, just plug your headphones in, read, do what you need to do to relax and enjoy the rest of your evening…
And my place would also provide free wifi.
I am so excited to get this part of my life started, I want this more than anything.
Thanks for sharing my vision with me. And although this is just a rough draft, in my minds eye I can see this and how comfortable this could actually be.

A haunting?

I think maybe there is something that dwells in my home other than myself..
As of late there have been things going on that are a little hard to explain.. And the things that I am about to put in writing are weird at best….
I think maybe my family is being attacked by demonic things…
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night screaming, I finally got him awake and what he told me raised the small hairs all over me…. He told me demons were carrying him off and worse of all he felt like either he was one of them or was becoming one of them.
Then the next day my son took ill and swears he saw a demon in my bedroom…
Freighting at best and as of yet nothing is attacking me or my daughter.
Today I was sitting in my living room by myself and the way our chair is sitting someone can actually come up to the back of it, anyways I was sitting there looking at a website and someone walked up to the back of the chair which I thought was my daughter, and tickled the back of my neck, when I turned around to tell her hi there was no one there… It then again raised the small hairs on the back of my neck, and has kinda made me concerned.
I think maybe it’s time to really get to the bottom of this. And get it out of my home for good.

Enough…

When is enough, enough? I ask because I don’t understand what has happened…
My marriage as far as I am concerned is done. There is no romance no feelings except bad ones, there is no more butterflies when he pulls down the drive it’s all gone. I have actually sat back as of late and watched my life with him them whatever and oh my god it is freighting.
I am wanting to run more and more everyday I know it will happen I just don’t know when.
I am wanting my own space a little bit of me somewhere I can run to.
I do not another relationship as long as I live, they hurt so bad… They rip out your heart and then get mad when you finally say enough. No longer are you allowed to take advantage me, to look at me or touch me.
I have seen you through so much and what I got back was pain, all the drinking and the abuse I received from it rather it was mental or physical, I will never forget the woman’s house I pulled you out of not once but twice that evening, how I was nothing but a worthless cunt bitch, those words still sting as it has just happened. I helped raise our children which is probably the only thing now that I can thank you for….
I have seen you through all the surgery’s some of which almost ended your life, and all I have gotten in return is… You have become someone that I have no clue is.
You don’t look at me you don’t touch me you just sit there and let me be the man and woman of our very damaged relationship and tell me I won’t go anywhere.
Well I am sorry to inform you, I am already gone.
I want out…. No need to try now it is to late. I have hated us for a very long time. I hope you find what you are looking for in life and hey it’s okay I know it wasn’t me.

May 11th, 2014

Second week almost in working 7 days a week, I hope I can pull this off. More and more I have been noticing that I don’t have to really push myself anymore it’s like i am a robot anymore.
Sleep pretty much evades me so I found I don’t need a lot of that, all I do really is work, I am home a total of a handful of hours the rest of time I am busting my ass for very little.
Although I appreciate what my boss has done for me I still can’t help but to think there has to be something better.
I want to check into going back to school first for bar tending in Tenn. to help pay for schooling in the medical field I would like to try to become a respiratory therapist.
I have set some goals just hope I can do it before I die.

Dear blog, may 9th

I just can’t to shake this feeling of despair, it seems to be always at the surface….
Although I am generally smiling and laughing, I feel empty inside.
I really need to get in touch with this feeling , I really need to find the reason I am experiencing this.
Okay so in trying to explain what is going on I first need to rundown what I go through in a day with people. First I am an early riser, the mornings are so peaceful with everyone still in bed, then BAM my husband is up and does not have one kind word for anything, the house isn’t good enough, the animals are always a sore spot, ummm he is always stating what kind of pain he is in like he is a prisoner to it, which in turns makes the rest of us a prisoner to his pain. My son is following right along in his footsteps always angry never happy.
The work family omg don’t even get me started, all is want to say to that is all of you shut the fuck up. Thank you.
I don’t know there has to be something better someplace else.
I would just love to have big strong arms to hold me again, ones that say I will always be here and protect you from everything.

Dear Blog, May 6th, 2014

After 20 plus years I am feeling like….
A f5 tornado has ripped through my entire life,meaning nothing is what it was.
My marriage is and still is nearly hanging on by threads, I will soon not have a place to call home. I will be loosing my car, my cell phones will be off, I have no food in the house, the list goes on and on…
I can’t help but wonder what the hell I have done to deserve such disaster and upheaval from the cruel world I live in.
I have hit rock bottom with no where to turn, going up is not even an option anymore.
I thought I was happy, I was so wrong. I will never be happy again I know this and have accepted it. I really could of been something but now all I am is someone’s mental punching bag,
I read positive quotes and listen when someone says great changes are coming my way. The only thing I have to say to that is…..
FUCK YOU and the happy world you live in where you can pay your bills, look out in the driveway and know that no one has repoed your vehicle in the middle of the night, or your lights are being shut off or your cable will be on tomorrow.
Screw everyone and there happy words.

upset

I am having trouble with my blog site when I go to save my blog and come back to it, it only posts half of it.

Transition Period…..

I would like to start this blog off by saying, I have not wrote a blog in a very long time.  I must try to catch you up to speed very quickly, meaning long story short kind of thing.  I was born, grew up, got married 3 times, divorced twice, became a mother of 9, have 14 beautiful grandchildren, more to come I am sure.

 

Okay to present time….  I am almost 50 yrs old, and for 5 or 6 years have been stuck in this mundane frame of mind, just actually sitting and going through the motions of life, not living it like I should be.  So I have been informed recently that I am coming into a wonderful transition period of my life, there is only one of you that will know exactly what I mean by this, that would be my wonderful, bright intelligent sister-in-law Kris. Thanks sis for always guiding me and for always helping me to see things differently.  While I may not understand what all of this entails, I must say I am up for some positive change.

 

 

 

 

So I have decided to ruffle my own feathers, knock the dust off my bum from being kicked and knocked down repeatedly and  go to school,  and move out of my hell hole I currently call home.   I only hope my nervous system can take it. This might take some time to accomplish but in the end It will make me a better person for it.

 

If any of you are like me right now I suggest you take a good look at where you was, where you are, and where you really want to be…  

 

 

 

A visitor??

I might be loosing my mind…..
Last night I was standing at my kitchen sink no one was in the kitchen with me. Or so I thought….
I have been dealing was some very stressful things as of late. Like we are now living on 300.00 dollars a week, my husband lost his work men’s compensation, and the doctors will not release him to go back to work, and low and behold my 18 yr old son who has been on SSI all of his life for ADHD has been healed or so says our wonderful govt. so we have lost that income to. You k ow just gotta love life right?
Anyways I am not handling things well right now,so much in fact that if I owned a weapon I would most definitely put a bullet in my brain as horrible as that sounds, its the truth.
So back to what I experienced, standing there rinsing off my plate, wondering where our next meal might come from. All of the sudden out of nowhere I smelled my grandmother, and most of all I felt her right there beside like she had her arm around me, tears instantly stung my eyes, it was to say the least overwhelming, but so peaceful at the same time.
My worries lessened my stress level came down and there I was crying for a few seconds…. Surly I did not just feel this.
My husband who does not believe that things like this does not happen, said you know hon we have been underneath so much lately, maybe she just wanted to let you know that everything will be okay. Well honestly I thought he would of told me I was crazy and that I should be locked up and the key thrown away, no he told me something coming from him especially different. Lol.
Am I crazy did I have an experience or should I be put away? I don’t know ether, I just wanted to share my visitor experience in words. I hope I don’t need a cat scan and they find a tumor, lol.

Change……

Until recently I was a very happy person.  I enjoyed my life, and everyone one in it.  Now all I can think about is, how to change my surroundings, thinking maybe I will find the happiness I have lost.

I don’t know really, just wondering if a change of scenery would do me some good.  A lot of people I know have just packed up and moved to a different state, area, or even a new home.

I have however come to the conclusion that I will never be able to own my own home, that I am a big time loser, I did not take care of my finances when I was younger, and all I am today is a lowly gas station attendant, whop-pie right?

I just don’t know anymore…….

Just wondering if I will ever be able to catch a break in my life.  I am thankful however that I do have a job, I just wanted so much more for my life than what I have right now.

I need something else, I want a better life for me, I have lost my identity somewhere along the line, and not sure when I did.

I know this sounds like a big ole pity party, but not really…  I just can not stop thinking there has to be something better somewhere else.

I am so restless to the point where I am losing sleep, and my nerves are to the point of unraveling.

Hell at this point I don’t know where to begin to put my life back together, any ideas?

In need of that magic bottle, that a genie pops up and grants me everything I want and or need.